Burning clues into this heart of mine

Is it possible to miss someone you never knew? It seems with musicians and actors, or really any kind of artist, we are able to connect with them in a different way that leaves a dull ache in our hearts when thinking of their absence. Think of the artists through the years whose death has this effect on their followers--James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, and the recent death of Heath Ledger . People grieve and emulate these artists; in many cases, artists that died before they were ever born. Why do we feel so attached to these artists and why are we so stricken by their death? Is it because they died young?

I certainly don't remember the same fanfare when Marlon Brando died recently; people regard him as a great and very talented actor, but they forgot that James Dean came along after him and was often accused of emulating him; they also forget how good looking he was in his youth. So is it better to die young and beautiful, with a career cut short and have people say "He would have been great"? Or is it better to die an old, overweight man who had the chance to become great, but will be remembered by many as a bit of a recluse who was great in "The Godfather" but also had a cameo in a Michael Jackson video? To Quote Kurt's Suicide Note, which quoted Neil Young, is it "better to burn out than fade away"?

More meaningful to me than the death of any other artist was the death of Jeff Buckley. When he died I was 12, and I liked the songs "Last Goodbye" and "Hallelujah." I was sad when they found his body in the river (for those of you who don't know, he died in an accidental drowning in Memphis). But, I really fell in love with Jeff's music and felt his loss immensely at the age of 17. A life-long friend died in a car accident on her way to be a counselor at church camp. I found myself in a funk (also known as depression). Her death seemed so senseless and such a waste of a wonderful person. One night, up late and unable to sleep, I tip-toed into my sisters room and went through her tapes until I found the one I was looking for. It was "Grace" by Jeff Buckley. I discovered the greatness of the album and went to buy the cd at Circuit City the next day. In my opinion, "Grace" is an album full of beautiful songs that are not easily accessible. You have to listen to them several times before you are rewarded in understanding their true meaning and the depth of the feeling that resounds within them. Each one is beautiful and haunting in a different way than the others. The thing that binds all of these songs into my favorite album of all time is the talent of the young singer-songwriter who sings them.

Though I took comfort in wallowing in many of these songs, I also found joy in a lot of them. I went on to collect the albums that were released after Jeff died, my favorite being "Live at Sin-e" which he recorded in his favorite haunt in Greenwich Village. Sin-e is where he was discovered by record execs. You can hear plates clattering in the background as his voice hits octaves that Mariah wishes she could reach. I feel conflicted about the album "Sketches for my Sweetheart, the Drunk" which was released posthumously and features many of the tracks that he was working on for his upcoming album. Many of them are in rough condition and I know that Jeff, who was a perfectionist, would be angry that they were heard by all of us. But overall, as I collected all of the cds, listening to his beautiful voice helped to lift me out of a very depressing and angsty time in my life. And then I felt a new, profound loss. With the last article read, the last cd collected, and the last song heard, I knew it would be the very last time I would feel the joy of discovering something new from Jeff. Jeff wasn't coming back and he wouldn't get to evolve creatively. It was a sad discovery of what I had known deep down all along--the artist who had helped me to get through one of the darker times in my life was no longer around to comment on the dark times that affect all of us- 9/11, Katrina, the war. I will never again listen to a new song by Jeff and have to rewind to try and figure out what he said.

But in some ways that is comforting. His is the kind of music that grows and takes on new meaning at different points in life. "Hallelujah" has had a resurgence in popularity several times, first with 9/11--it was used in many tributes--and then when it was sung by Jason Castro on American Idol. Soon after, Jeff was #1 on Itunes, an online music store that wasn't even around when he died. Jeff's music was never as popular when he was alive as it has been since his passing. Perhaps the only positive side effect of the profound loss of Jeff and his musical talent is the fact that it will be discovered and loved by so many more people.

So today I want to celebrate Jeff's life and music. He was a beautiful person whose music is a gift that will be with us forever, reminding us of his genius and of what might have been. To quote my favorite Jeff Buckley song, he is truly the "tear that hangs inside my soul forever."